Tuesday, August 19, 2008

i don't

Seems I was further behind than I thought. Here's column seven, and now I think I'm up to date. As usual, names have been changed to protect those who, unlike me, did not stupidly agree to divulge their personal feelings for cash.

I’ve just been to a wedding. Kathy and Simon. Beautiful couple. I went to high school with Kathy. She met Simon at university. In fact, they started seeing each other around the same time as my ex and I.

The invitation was addressed to both of us. We were together when the guest list was drawn up, and heading down the same path and Kathy and Simon as far as everyone else was concerned. But, for the first time in six years, I was flying solo at the wedding.

What a funny feeling. Watching Kathy and Simon make beautiful promises to each other and not having that feeling of contentment. Not having a man by my side to exchange knowing glances with during the wedding vows.

Kathy is the third of my high school girls to get hitched. Georgie was the first. At her wedding I caught the bouquet. And then do you know what I did? No, you don’t, so I’ll tell you. I threw it away. With a look of shear terror in my eyes, I turned and tossed the bouquet like a hot potato. I’m not joking.

Even through the haze of 74 beers I felt instantly horrible and the guilt became palpable when I discovered my ex had caught it on camera. Even worse, a friend had caught it all on video camera. Ahhh, the memories.

So, what kind of idiot throws away a bouquet? And why am I always inclined to start sentences with the word so? It’s not like anyone was going to hold me to the ‘you’re next to be married’ theory. Anyway, as I’ve mentioned, 74 beers.

I didn’t bother contesting the bouquet challenge when it was Kathy’s turn. I feigned amusement when my mates dragged me onto the dance floor to take part in the tradition, but the thought of catching it just weeks after splitting from my once husband-to-be was hard to take. Sigh.

It was also too soon to even consider “picking up”. Single by name but not yet by nature. I think being with someone else would still feel like cheating, or like I was somehow cheapening my last relationship. I wonder when that feeling will go away. I wonder if my ex feels the same. Or, on the contrary, I wonder if he’s embracing bachelorhood. Actually, no, I don’t wonder. I don’t want to know.

It’s so funny the way you view life and, more specifically, marriage, as you are growing up. As girls, and I know I speak for the majority of us, we earmark the age at which we WILL get married and WILL have children. As if we alone get to decide. For me it was married at 26, first born (William, in case you’re interest) at 28, and second (Lily) at 30. Now, unless there’s someone willing to marry me and get busy making babies in the next couple of weeks, my optimistic plan is doomed. Any takers? No? Okay, moving on.

It’s worth noting, I’m fine with that. Now that I am 26, it seems quite young to start doing all those grown-up things. I feel there’s so much for me to see and do before I ‘settle down’. Still, I do have a couple of new goals in mind. Married at 30, William at 31, Lily at 33.

A girl has to maintain some kind of pressure.


clare said...

You're 26?

clare said...

Hang on. Maybe this was written when you actually were 26. Disregard previous comment. And this one too. Don't publish either one, its just my small female brain playing tricks on me...

jax said...

i always publish. and for those playing at home, clare's correct, i am 27 but wrote this when i was 26. could have adjusted. didn't.

clare said...

That Clare sounds a bit anal. I suspect she may have read the blog after a few drinks and then learnt a valuable lesson- don't drink and blog.

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