Tuesday, March 24, 2009

sixteen candles (plus 12)


so, yeh, i had another birthday. and i kind of wanted to mark the occasion by writing some kind of bloggity blog. but i haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what i have/want to say.

it's been a few days now. still nothing. this, i suppose, is writer's block. so, i figured i'd just start typing and see what happened. also, by the power of greyskull...no, wait...i mean the power of technology, i can backdate this entry and pretend i wrote in on the right day. no one will ever know. bahahahaha.

so, 28 hey? what's all that about? it seems like only yesterday i was longing to turn 18. and look, there i go using middle-aged cliches like 'it seems like only yesterday'. oh dear.

i would get all freaky and 'oh-my-god-30's-fast-approaching' on you but, to be honest, i don't really care. i think maybe because i don't have a to-do-before-i'm-30 list. i have a to-do-tomorrow list and i already know i won't complete it, so there's really no point setting myself up for failure of such mammoth proportions.

still, birthdays do tend to be performance evaluation time. the problem is, i will never give myself a pass mark*.

is it an australian thing? i'm talking about the grand expectations we have of ourselves. the way nothing is ever good enough, even when it's really damn good. i mean, i've kicked some goals during the past 12 months. i've survived a pseudo divorce settlement (do not underestimate the pain that caused). i've travelled to spectacular parts of the world, often solo (scary but amazing). i've set up a life in london, professionally and personally (what recession?). i've made lifelong friends here while maintaining strong relationships with those most important to me back home (friends are my favourite things). and i'm handling the 17,000-ish kms between the boy and i with aplomb (most of the time).

it was difficult to even write that. admitting you're doing well or, god forbid, feeling some pride in your achievements - it's not just unaustralian, it's american. but this is one (just one) area where i think the americans have it right.

instead of being pleased with said accomplishments, i play them down and expect more of myself. it's the cause of constant stress in my life. yet i see people who have 'achieved' so much less (and let's be clear, we're talking ticking cliche boxes here) but enjoy so much more contentment. i envy them.

how can i think like that? it's on my to-do list.

*case in point. when i was a young whipper snapper at uni, a pass was never good enough for me. if it wasn't a distiction, the passion pop just didn't taste as sweet. friends paid me out about it. so they should have. and, in memory of the olden days, i always backed distinction when it ran in the melbourne cup. it never won.


Rick M said...

I like you. Can I keep you?

Collect the whole set!

jax said...

like a babushka doll?

Rick M said...

Only once you have kids :)

Anonymous said...

ahhhhhh, the ramblings of a coopers pale ale lover xxx

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