Thursday, May 21, 2009

must. not. delete

every time i do it, i cringe. yet i know i will do it again. you’ll find it examples dotted throughout camelshoes.

you may have already noticed. you probably haven’t. i hope you haven’t. yet i am about to explain myself anyway…

i know how many people read my blog. i know how many times those people come back. i know how they got here. i know how long they spent here. i know where they live. (only the country, don’t be scared). it’s all thanks to a clever tool called google analytics.

so, the fact i would bother to infer no one reads my blog, when i know that’s far from true, is purely a method of self-protection. protection against the haters.

unfortunately, google analytics cannot tell me why someone visits my blog but i know i have haters. so.many.haters. and they’ve been around much longer than camelshoes has.

people have always hated me. not all people obviously. in fact i am quite lucky to be liked be a lot of people. and i am quite partial to those people so stick around, won’t you? but at times in my life it’s been hard to see those who like me past the heavy, sickly fog of haters standing between us.

i had a lot of haters at school. girls always wanted to bash me up. one group in particular. i was a slut apparently. the fact that was clearly untrue was irrelevant. i spent two years waking up every morning sick at the thought of another day at school. i would wish that feeling on no one. thankfully, those fun-lovin’ kids dropped out after year 10 but there were plenty of people willing to pick up where they left off. this time they were people i actually considered my friends, despite the fact i would mentally pre-screen all behaviour for fear of unwittingly inviting criticism. i spent the next two years trying my little heart out to stay in these guys’ good books. as a result, i just became a try hard which prompted the recruitment even more haters.

then there were the haters who i had never met. these ones astounded me. they were from different schools. different years. there were so many of them. i had NO FUCKING IDEA what i did wrong. most weeks i would learn of some random’s plan to ‘get me’. okay, cool. i’ll just watch my back for the rest of my life, shall i?

turns out, that’s exactly what i’ve been doing. i mean, i imagine i am not in their sights anymore but i haven’t stopped watching my back since emma fathead rounded up most of our grade and then some to watch her fight me at lunch time one day in year 6. she never did throw a punch. just followed me around the oval and pulled me down when i tried to escape her by jumping the fence. not sure what’s worse though. the punch, or waiting for it.

i have been shaped by these haters into a insecure and self-deprecating adult. i worry way too much what other people will think of me. it’s why i’ll write a blog entry and then bag myself out for writing a blog entry. i suppose the theory is if i say it first, it won’t hurt as much if (when) someone else follows suit. i am not sure who i am trying to kid because i know full well it will hurt regardless.

that’s the back story. here’s where i’m at right now.

i have recently decided to use camelshoes as a way of holding myself accountable for my life-improving promises. it’s easy to proclaim today will be the last i let my thoughts and actions be influenced by haters of days gone by, but it’s just as easy to fall into old habits because i’ll be the only one who’ll know i’ve failed.

in the real world, i’d never give up so easily. i boast a dogged competitiveness and loathe the idea of failure. i want to be good – no, great – at ev-er-ry-thing. i am going to use this to my advantage.

that said, i hereby declare: i am over it. i am over caring. i am done analysing. i am what i am. i am a decent person. i have my flaws and i’m working on them. but i have a shitload more good attributes. from now on, i choose to concentrate on the people in my life who recognise them. trying to keep you haters at bay doesn’t seem to work anyway. i know a change of this magnitude will take a lot of work. a whole lot of work. this entry is a starting point.

furthermore, i forgive anyone who contributed to my hellish teenage years. there are a million reasons for bullying. i don’t know what yours was, i just hope you’re over it. for your sake and for the sake of those around you. i realise you have not asked for forgiveness. i will assume that, given the opportunity, or the courage, you would like to apologise. if this is not the case, i forgive you for my own benefit which is a good enough reason for me.

lastly, i will not second-guess this blog entry (okay, i will, but i WILL NOT get scared and delete it later). i write because i enjoy it and it comes naturally to me. anyone who knows me can tell you i express myself better in writing. anyone who judges me for it (or anything else) is not my friend. i blog because i can. it scares me but it fulfils me. i won’t apologise for that.


“those who mind, don’t
matter and those who matter,
don’t mind” – thank you, pipsy (iku)

9 comments:

Alana said...

Wow. Firstly, I don't understand how anyone could hate you. You would have to be one of the least hatable people I know. Secondly, all the best on your self-journey. Thirdly, hatable is a word, and I know it looks weird but that is how its spelt. Fourthly, and lastly, I never know what to write in the comments, but wanted to reply to show my support for how much you rock.

Fiona said...

Nice one chook.
I hated my high school years too, and still think back at them and cringe. Even though I tended to fly under the radar, the evilness of some made me hate going there every day. And talking to others I went to school with since, they felt much the same. It's a horrible time and if I could find a way for my future children to not have to go through that too, I would be a very happy person. But the good thing about it now is that it is all over and we can choose the friends we want to have and ignore the people we don't want around us.

Excellent entry Jax. *Love*

xx

Rick M said...

They say we write better when we feel it - for whatever reason. And this does nothing to disprove that notion. That was a brilliant blog Kate. An insight into the mystique that is anybody's childhood.

Children are the cruellest, closely followed by anonymous haters on Internet forums. And it sucks that we are left with whatever we are left with after we finish growing up with OTHER kids who are a lot more cruel than us.

But if there is one lesson I have learned in this life, and fuck it if it wasn't only recently, is that the haters don't matter. They can't touch you, because your ours.

Not in a literal sense, because that violates at least seven federal laws, but you should be a product of the people that think you rock and an even stronger person thanks to the people who don't.

xxoo

Siamese Saffron said...

Oh Jacka, I love this.

You know, we had quite a similar childhood - I would feel sick to my stomach every morning before school, and the tears... the tears would take up my afternoons. It was the worst time of my life, and I can attest that it will remain that way because I stopped caring a long time ago.

That's possibly the main difference in our experiences - the aftermath. I stopped caring when people drove me to deep depression - I then realised you can never count on them to make me happy. If they do, it will pleasantly surprise you. I am happy to say I have been pleasantly surprised a lot in the past few years.
High school the best time of my life, or even college? I can't even comprehend that saying. Growing up is awesome.

These are the most honest, raw words I have ever read from you - I hope there are many more to come. Splendid.

jax said...

all your words mean a heap to me. more so, you all mean a heap to me.

this was sitting in my drafts for a few days but i know i would have regretted deleting it.

i was very nervous posting but i didn't regret it. i don't regret it.

growth. yay.

Anonymous said...

Kate, I only had the pleasure of meeting you a few times and find it fasinating that you felt like that. This is not the first impression I got, I found you funny, intelligent and some one that was great to have hangout with. It is why I even started reading your blogs, I found you interesting and when your FB said you had a blog I had to read it.
I am in awe of how you write, I don't have this skill of writing you talk about and it is a constant joke amongst my mates and kids I teach of how bad I am at it. I know you may hate it but I recommend people to read you blogs. Even kids at school, mainly because some don't realize they are not the only one's going through the issues you write about.
Over the last 2 years I am finding out that more people then I ever realized have a similar issue to you. I am astounded by the number.
I must have been a rarity that I like going to school. I was oblivious of people who hated me or who even liked me, I just went about doing my own thing not caring what others thought. I wish I could pass this gene/skill on to all people who have the bullying issue at school.

Philly

jax said...

Philly - wow. What a lovely thing to write. You've made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

If I could play any part in making kids - even one kid - feel like what they go through is normal, and temporary, it'd be an honour.

Anonymous said...

Jacka

I went to school with you and I thought you were cool. Popular too. But I know what you talk about.
Haven't read your blog for ages - two pregnancies to be precise. Glad to read it again. Love it.

Sam

Riley said...

well hey there! i absolutely love your post (and blog). i "recently" started a blog as well for kinda the same thing-ish. i love writing as well, i get my thoughts out better. and your blog, i would have to say is very sweet, i love the uniqueness about it all. i kinda feel like i know you/connected to your writing just by this post alone. ps i dont know you haha. just through your writing i understand you? i can go on forever commenting back about this post, i getcha. but ill spare ya. no worries.

love riley

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