Friday, June 5, 2009

lost

sophie doesn't have scabies.

she turned up for yesterday's appointment. she looked young. i sucked up my judgement and spent the next 50 minutes divulging things of a highly personal nature. highly personal.

she just rang. she was sorry to say we would have to end our 'relationship' as she believes 'on a superficial level' we may be socialising in the same circle and that's a conflict of interest.

what the fucking fuck?

that's what i wanted to say. instead: 'sorry, i'm not sure i understand'.

'i know. it's difficult to explain. i guess, say for example, i was friends with someone you work with - it would be a conflict of interest for me to continue seeing you. i am really sorry but we are going to find you someone else'.

i repeat. what the fucking fuck? is this a fucking joke? did jesus, or whoever the fuck is pulling the puppet strings, see me working my arse off to create change and think it would be funny to make it as hard as possible to just get a fucking psychotherapy appointment?

this girl has got to be kidding. this service has got to be kidding. this industry has got to be kidding.

'so, what? (the manager) is going to give me a call to organise someone else?'

'yes, she will call, but she's away this week so it won't be until next week'.

it's friday.

'next week, monday or next week, monday week?'

'monday week. again i am really sorry.'

'yeh, i don't really know what to say to you. i don't know how this whole thing works but to me, this sounds ridiculous. and i'm not quite sure you get what you're doing here. i opened up to you and now you're just saying i have to start from scratch. i find this in complete contradiction to the whole philosophy.'

the conversation continued for a bit. i wasn't trying to change her mind. no point. i wouldn't be able to talk to her after that anyway. i just couldn't believe it and i couldn't hang up without making sure she knew.

at no point did i get angry but my disbelief would have been clear.

right now i am sitting, typing madly, urging away the lump in my throat. camelshoes is filling the void these people are leaving.

if you're wondering why i am being so dramatic, you should probably read this.

i'm not in the mood to shrug this off right now. i am not in the mood to make light off it. i am trying really fucking hard but seem to be taking one step forward, two steps back.

i won't give up. i know that. but i might give up on this method. do you think i should? it's done nothing but let me down so far and being let down is the whole reason i had come to this point in the first place.

7 comments:

vanover521 said...

ugh. that. sucks. i'm sorry to hear that. professionals piss me off sometimes.

dropped by via perfectlycursedlife's bloggy award list. yay!

C said...

Don't give up on the method mate. But do give up on this specific organisation of useless fucking fuckers.
Have emailed you.
x

Siamese Saffron said...

I haven't posted on your therapy blogs yet, only because I tried it, lasted a couple hours, and I hated it. I wanted you to find your own way, and I had nothing nice to say about it.

Like you, I spent an hour crying my eyes out to a stranger - and, even though my depression was completely circumstantial, she told me I needed drugs and pretty much nothing else. Nothing I needed to hear at such a horrible time.

I went back after two years or so - a lot less depressed, but with different issues, mainly anxiety. Again, nothing helpful to be said but drugs, so I tried the drugs. They numbed me, but not only with the bad stuff. I went off after 3 months, and haven't seen a therapist since.

I'm not going to lie to you - getting through what's ahead of you is very, very hard. I'm lucky in that I had a friend I could divulge everything to, and the most therapeutic part? She listened to me. That, and a hell of a lot of soul searching, is what it took.

Email me any time if you need any tips love, because I could write a novel in this little box.

QQ said...

I wouldn't give up either Jax. Seems like the process of getting help may be a test of sorts. Just be calm about it (as difficult as that seems) and use the experience as a learning curve. Life's not easy, especially when we want it to be. At least that's my take girl. Get a voodoo doll of this woman and stick pins in it too!

katyhelena said...

Wow, that is really sad! As someone who has needed/gone to/still goes to counseling, that is just inexcusable. Seriously. When you say give up on the method, do you mean psychotherapy? Or calling people like that? Hmm. Counseling has definitely been a help to me in the past...but it takes finding a good counselor. Some are of absolutely no help at all. Sounds like you're familiar with that.

Alana said...

Unbelievable. But I agree with C. Don't give up.

jax said...

i don't think i will give up altogether, but i think i will stop trying in london. i'll only be here for about seven weeks of the next three/four months so not enough time to build a relationship with anyone. perhaps just start again in australia? but i will give it another crack. just needed to vent!

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