Tuesday, June 23, 2009

the pursuit of happiness

the tone on this blog has changed a few times over the past couple of months. i'm sure you've noticed.

i was sad for a bit. then angry. that stemmed from a certain 'thing' that i'll divulge at a later stage. then i was, i think, rational and driven. driven to ensure that 'thing' didn't become a wasted opportunity.

it has not been a wasted opportunity.

i am shocked at how quickly i have been able to pick myself up. shocked and stoked. i am not simply coping or perservering. i am content. happy. determined. it's rocking my world.

finding my inspiration was the first step. the next step was a random little statement. i am aware you didn't ask number 027.

dear world: i have anxiety depression.

before i published that fact on camelshoes, i could have counted on one hand the people who knew. and it's been lingering like a cranberry for four years. i was ashamed. i was embarrassed. and, to continue the reoccurring theme, i was scared of what other people might think.

now there is not a person in the world who isn't privy to the information i was once to determined to hide. when i published it, i was nervous but now, i honestly couldn't care less. it's been such a liberating admission and i am so, so glad to have let it out.

i don't feel judged at all. furthermore, i feel normal. i thought my diagnosis made me an outcast of sorts but i have very quickly come to realise depression, in some form or another, is almost a character trait of our generation.

that's a shame. certainly. but another character trait of our generation (please excuse the sweeping statements) is strength and determination. as a general rule, we're well equipped to deal with the pressure that's not only forced upon us, but that we place on ourselves.

we're multi-tasking our arses off and doing a damn good job.

anyway, i didn't mean to go off on that tangent. apologies. just wanted to give a little shout out to those reading for not making me regret those personal words to have shared.

my anxiety won't disappear just because i've 'owned up' to it. i know that. but i'm learning how to deal with it and that little accomplishment feels divine. it's amazing what a deep breath can do.


Siamese Saffron said...

Good on you Jax... I remember fessing up to that characteristic a few years ago, and now it's just a part of me, much like the fact that I'm Indian and like shoes. It doesn't define me, but it does add into who I am, and that's perfectly fine with me. Isn't it amazing what self-acceptance can do?

Rick M said...

You really are a remarkable woman. And I hate to make this comment all about 'me, me, me' but I couldn't help but notice the parellel between your admission of anxiety/depression and my coming out a little over a year ago.

I was scared, ashamed et al. Until I actually told people. And then realised I, and for the most part them, didn't give a flying fuck.

Liberating is such, such an understatement in that sense, isn't it? It's a palpapable feeling of freedom. I swear I could almost touch it.

Many of us live our whole lives with these little secrets or things we are too scared to put out there. And they are devastatingly destructive. These little things that destroy us from the inside out. Termites on the soul, I suppose.

I wish I could explain to everyone how wonderful it is just to get it all out. And then go on living life how you always wanted and needed to.

You rock, as you know. And also, how does a cranberry linger? I am ever so curious!


Muchovag: I swear to God I am not making this up. Definition: a whole lot of vag.

Nick Smart said...

Great post, Jacka. You are not alone here. Far from it.

In my family alone, both my parents suffer from anxiety depression so I know all about it.

Props to you...

vanover521 said...

i'm glad that you were able to feel comfortable enough sharing that with us. i KNOW how hard it is, i did it myself not too long ago and quite honestly, i continue to do so more and more often than i thought i would.

it's also so good to read how your whole attitude is changing, you're finding contentment and all that, hooray! cheers! life is only going to get better from here, i daresay.

QQ said...

i agree with what everyone else has said, Jax. I too had a liberating experience and now am on top of my game but it all started with the admission.

you seem very happy and satisfied even though the psychologist didn't reap the rewards you were hoping for - persist, it makes a lot of difference.

i love reading your blogg and i hope you keep writing.

i bet all your friends think your funny. it seems to a little country gal that you are really hilarious!!!

bye for now

katyhelena said...

Hey! I think it's so great that you're sharing this with your readers. I also definitely deal with depression and anxiety also. It is liberating to share your struggle with others, because I think it helps us connect with each other. We share each other's pain, mostly because we're human.
I will be praying for you.

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