Thursday, January 14, 2010

hi anxiety, it's been a while

i am feeling so damn blah today.


i know why. and, as usual i am going to be super ambiguous to avoid offending anyone. firstly, i've been accused of doing something horrible. apparently this horrible thing happened 10 years ago. i have absolutely no recollection of said horrible thing. so i find myself in an anxiety-filled no man's land between 'delivering profuse and heartfelt apology' and 'flat out defence of self'.

it doesn't sound like something i would do. and that feeling has been backed up by a second accusee. but shit i doth feel and i am having trouble shaking it.

icky, unshakable feeling under sternum exacerbated by recent discovery that hard work produced by me has been criticised behind my back. now, i've got to say, the criticism is so damn insignificant - and, in my opinion, well off the mark - but since i was already feeling like a sad cardboard robot standing in the rain, it's not helped.

anyway, i'm all anxious and shit. for mine, anxiety is the worst feeling ever. seriously, i'd rather you stiletto my toe.

but here's the silver lining. i haven't felt anxious for ages. a-a-a-ages. it's taken today to realise that. so, even though things are currently sucking, at least i've been alerted to the fact that life's been treating me well. and (or perhaps "or") i am starting to gain some power over the previously debilitating bitch.

still, piss off dumb arse day.

7 comments:

Karls said...

I have a few comments...
Firstly, why has this person mentioned this afer 10 years - obviously it's an issue they've harboured for that long. Sounds like those people who you see after you've been out of school for 10 years and they say something like, 'I hate so and so, they were such a bitch at school'... ummm durh! It's been 10 years dickhead, she's quite likely not that person anymore!
Secondly, they need to move on and get over it!
Thirdly, I don't know you personally but we do share a common friend (Sam - or as I like to call her, Samuelina) and any friend of hers must be a fucking awesome person!

Kellyansapansa said...

Aww, you poor thing. Don't forget to breathe! I know it's hard, but try and keep some perspective - if this "thing" was such a big deal, why weren't you "accused" of it back then?

kate said...

yeh, it's a weird situation and has come to me in a round about way.

in a nutshell, the person who thinks/remembers this happened/ing hasn't brought it up with me and probably never would, so she's off the hook there.

i'm a bit pissed it's blown up a decade later but no one's really to blame on that note.

Amanda said...

I hate it when I feel like a cardboard robot in the rain :(

MIke said...

you're still the most beautiful woman in the world with a heart to match.

CuppyCakes said...

are you sure? a stileto to your toe can hurt for weeks! It happened to me last january and I have not worn open toe shoes on a night out since.

Alana said...

Hope you are feeling better soon. Great point about the silver lining though - and that you can *see* the silver lining while feeling like this shows how much progress you've made.=)

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