it feels almost foreign to sit and blog. it seems like ages since i've done any real sit-and-type-your-thoughts kind of writing. i guess it hasn't really been that long. i've certainly gone longer. but maybe because it wasn't an option - because my computer wasn't with me, and then it was broken - that i felt more withdrawn.
anyway, here i am. work laptop at the ready, although not at work (which is important to note, in case any colleagues stumble across camelshoes).
i noted a week or so back a couple of things i wanted to 'discuss' here. one was my recent relocation. i always find it a little difficult to be completely raw when writing about something that didn't just happen but let's give it a shot. plus, there's a decent reason why this is actually quite relevant to now - or at least tomorrow. watch this space.
so, yeh, i moved. i found a place in sydney which seemed to tick all the boxes - except for the reasonable rent box which i don't think any house/unit/flat/bungalow/shed in sydney ticks - and moved in last month.
all went well apart from the fact that it didn't. the removalist truck broke down for one. they also failed to communicate this fact and we only found out when we chased them with a 'where are you?' call. so they arrived in sydney six days after they picked up on the gold coast. but really, that was no biggie.
the next fun part was when i sat down on my bedroom floor to call the boy and all of the slats from my bed, plus the metal rods which make up the frame, fell from a vertical position on to my head with a gust of dumbarse wind. man, that hurt. but more than that, it really shook me. i gave up on moving for the night and had a sleepover.
but the real drama came a couple of days later. it was a saturday and it was earmarked as the big set-up-shop day. the day i would pretty much dedicate to unpacking my life.
i don't actually mind this job. packing up is crap but unpacking can be fun, at least for a while. deciding where things should live, turning an empty space into a cosy retreat. i was getting through the boxes pretty quickly until i came across 'that box'.
you probably know the kind. quite small. decorative. and, if you're like me, full of 'keepers'. cards, notes, letters, photos - bits and pieces that, at one time or another, were worthy of cherishing forever.
i usually go through this box with every move. it's nostalgic, heart-warming. this time...well, it was certainly nostalgic but i'd say more heart-breaking.
the box, as it was probably the last five times i've moved, was full of keepsakes from my ex. i knew what was ahead of me as soon as i opened it. yet i trawled through. i didn't read a lot of it in depth, i couldn't. and i didn't need to, i was blubbering anyway.
and, you know, i don't even know why exactly.
we broke up more than two years ago. although it was gut-wrenching, i don't regret it and i am pretty sure he doesn't either. it was the right decision. we've both moved on. we're both happy.
but i guess that doesn't mean i don't miss him. we spent more than six year together, i think it would probably be odd if i didn't. i wish he could be part of my 'new' life but i know that's just too hard.
i think though, what really got me that day, was reading some of the words we'd written to each other over the years. we were so in love and so sure. it scares me that you can be sure but wrong at the same time.
drowning in cathartic tears, i wondered what the hell i was supposed to do with it all. and i am still wondering. i don't really want to throw it out. our relationship was a huge and defining part of my life. but i don't want it to upset me again and i also don't want to be holding on to something if i have to let it go.
what do you think? no really, i want to know.
oh, i forgot to tell you why this is relevant. i am going to see him tomorrow. we live in different cities now but we still work in the same industry and our jobs will bring us together, probably not for the last time. it will be fine. an odd combination of lovely and awkward to see him. wish me luck.