i was just having a squiz at my post library and cleaning up my drafts. finishing them sometimes, deleting them mostly. i came across this way down the line. i wrote it in april. i am not sure why i didn't post. probably had one of my self-doubting moments. i've just read it, expecting it to be incomplete yet it seems finished. it also still rings true. so, here 'tis. how i felt in april. how i still feel now.
so, this post has been floating around in my mind for ages now. ages. and the only reason i haven't put finger to keyboard on the matter is time. me and my severe lack of time.
you might have noticed that i haven't written about dark days for a while. and that's because, well, i haven't really had any. i have my moments, fo' shiz. but something's clicked inside me. some little voice, which i wish had've spoken up years ago, has said 'nah, fuck it. i can't be bothered caring about that shit anymore'. it's grand. grand i tell ya.
but it's not all sunshine and lollipops in my world. things still get me down and i am still very much a work in progress. one thing i have pinpointed lately which i desperately need to address is my inability to see the wider picture when things go wrong.
for the first 12 hours at least.
i've noticed recently that i am, despite popular opinion (including mine), quite rational. i can see and respect others' points of view, even if i don't agree. i can take a deep breathe and move on when things aren't going my way. i can let go of things i cannot control. i can take a good look at my options and weigh up the ramifications.
yeh, i'm totally smart.
that said, i cannot do this until i have first had a complete meltdown.
aaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh. there's no ice cream left. no. ice. cream.
sometimes it takes only a matter of minutes for me to: realise i am being irrational, calm down, take a common sense approach. so why can't i apply that reaction immediately? before the anxiety? the panic? the stress?
and it's not as though it takes any kind of inner pep talk to get to the rational stage. it just tends to happen. it's as though i simply need to get the crazy out of my system.
from this i have learned i should never react to difficult/bad/emotional/stressful/annoying situations immediately. i should probably even steer clear of voicing how i feel straight away, especially to anyone involved.
rather than a panic room, i think i require a vent room. full of cushions. and chocolate.