Thursday, March 24, 2011

and they all lived happily ever after



today i turn 30. thirty! wow.

five years ago, 30 was old. today, 25 is scary.

not even the smallest part of me would want to be 25 again. when i was 25, i didn't even know who i was. oh yes, that ol' cliche. worse though than not knowing who i was, was the fact that i had no idea that i didn't know. and that meant i wasn't even trying to figure it out.

today, at 30, i still haven't figured it out. i actually don't think the puzzle will ever be entirely 'figured'. i don't think it's meant to be. but i guess i feel as though the fact i am consciously (but not obsessively) seeking the answer means that i have become the driver of my own life, rather than simply a passenger. win.

camelshoes has played such an important role in that development.

this blog never started as an outlet for such personal thoughts. and i am still not quite sure how it evolved in that direction but the benefits of the process were amazing.

i have changed so much during camelshoes' three years. so much. to try to explain how: i wouldn't even know where to start. i think the best part about the transition though is that i am entirely still myself. i am just a better version of her.

but i don't think camelshoes is the place for further progress.

for some time now, i've not felt as drawn to contributing to this space as i used to. there was a time when it would be second nature to bash out my thoughts here. not all of the time, but certainly often enough that camelshoes became a place for me to, among so many other things, clear my head (even if the words weren't always particularly clear).

more and more i have found myself posting simply because i felt obliged and not because i had anything i really wanted to say. significantly, one of the reasons for this is that i actually started saying these things to people's faces.

the real conversations i have today (at 30) make me realise how many superficial conversations i used to have (at, say, 25). the irony is, the 30-years-old conversations are with the same people, for the most part, that the 25-years-old conversations were. we've just grown up. and i like it.

although it has fallen into the trap from time to time, camelshoes isn't an i-did-this-on-the-weekend kind of blog. i just can't imagine why anyone would care what i did on the weekend. except my mum. hi mum.

plus, i figure that rather than spend time writing about my antics, i should just embrace them. stop writing about it and do it. live without the analysis. oh, to live without the analysis!

so that's what i am going to do.

i guess what all that means is that this is my last post.

and i am not sad about that. because this place has been awesome to me. so thanks. thanks thanks thanks. thanks for reading. thanks for following. thanks for commenting. thanks for your support. except for barry, everyone who has stopped by (and especially those who've stayed) has contributed to the experience in a positive way.

so, in conclusion...

yeh, not really sure how to wrap three years into one neat little goodbye. chances are i'll change my mind and be back in a few months anyway. but, if not, i'll miss you. not just you the reader but you, the blog.

my blog.

my camelshoes.

much love,
kate

xox

Friday, March 18, 2011

hey fatty, love yourself

'tis not often i take photos of toilet walls...


...but it's not often i agree so strongly with both sides of an argument either.

at 29 i am still trying to shake that obsession with weight and body image. the idea that a six-year-old could have similar issues is scary.

but damn, kids are fat these days. and that's pretty scary too as far as i am concerned.

which side are you on?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

brace face

so, i got braces. after about three years of umming and ahhing, i just bit the bullet and did it.

they've actually been on for about three months now.

it's taken this long to tell camelshoes because it's taken this long to come to terms with how i feel.

sounds very dramatic, doesn't it?

and it was a bit dramatic at first. actually, the blowfly sunglasses were on before i even left the orthodontist. operation hide my tears.

it was odd. on the way to the orthodontist i was feeling quite the opposite. i was excited, almost liberated, by the fact i had finally made the decision - such a big, expensive decision. 

getting the braces on was painful. seeing my new look in the mirror, more so.

i couldn't imagine enduring that pain - physical and emotional - for 12 to 18 months. like i said: dramatic.

the pain is now sporadic. it's rarely as painful as it was that first week and i've been able to find a way to appreciate the discomfort - it means movement after all, and that's the point.

the vanity? i wish it didn't matter to me. it does. and it will continue to do so. but it's getting better. again, it's about appreciating the discomfort. braces might not be a good look but the result will be.

plus, i am finding great new ways to pose for photos.

bad decision comes good

ever ended up pleased with a decision which originally filled you with regret?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

i'm just a girl

today was international women's day (so i found out when i read the paper this morning).

as if to poke fun at the occasion, i spent two hours in a management meeting this afternoon with 13 colleagues, all men. no, i wasn't serving the coffee. but you could see why one's imagination might take them there.

i used to argue vehemently that i wasn't a feminist until a few years ago when someone whose opinion i respect probably more than anyone else's told me i was. i considered defending myself until his reasoning started to make complete sense.

i thought a feminist was a woman who burnt her bra, stomped her feet and refused to shave her underarms. in fact, a feminist is a woman who believes in gender equality. equal political, economic, and social rights, and equal opportunities. damn straight i am a feminist.

i'll admit, i probably do have a chip on my shoulder about this sometimes. but i am also happy to be passionate about things i believe in.

that said, i am not suggesting my meeting this afternoon should have looked differently. if those 13 men were each the best candidates for their respective positions (which, for the record, i believe they would have been) then that's the way it goes.

i do not believe in forced gender balance in the workplace. down with tokenism. who wants a job that way anyway?

i just think it's a shame the unbalanced ratio is so common. at least it has been in my experience.

so, what's my point? i don't really know. just thought it was interesting.

which way does the gender scale tip in your office?
do you care?
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