today i turn 30. thirty! wow.
five years ago, 30 was old. today, 25 is scary.
not even the smallest part of me would want to be 25 again. when i was 25, i didn't even know who i was. oh yes, that ol' cliche. worse though than not knowing who i was, was the fact that i had no idea that i didn't know. and that meant i wasn't even trying to figure it out.
today, at 30, i still haven't figured it out. i actually don't think the puzzle will ever be entirely 'figured'. i don't think it's meant to be. but i guess i feel as though the fact i am consciously (but not obsessively) seeking the answer means that i have become the driver of my own life, rather than simply a passenger. win.
camelshoes has played such an important role in that development.
this blog never started as an outlet for such personal thoughts. and i am still not quite sure how it evolved in that direction but the benefits of the process were amazing.
i have changed so much during camelshoes' three years. so much. to try to explain how: i wouldn't even know where to start. i think the best part about the transition though is that i am entirely still myself. i am just a better version of her.
but i don't think camelshoes is the place for further progress.
for some time now, i've not felt as drawn to contributing to this space as i used to. there was a time when it would be second nature to bash out my thoughts here. not all of the time, but certainly often enough that camelshoes became a place for me to, among so many other things, clear my head (even if the words weren't always particularly clear).
more and more i have found myself posting simply because i felt obliged and not because i had anything i really wanted to say. significantly, one of the reasons for this is that i actually started saying these things to people's faces.
the real conversations i have today (at 30) make me realise how many superficial conversations i used to have (at, say, 25). the irony is, the 30-years-old conversations are with the same people, for the most part, that the 25-years-old conversations were. we've just grown up. and i like it.
although it has fallen into the trap from time to time, camelshoes isn't an i-did-this-on-the-weekend kind of blog. i just can't imagine why anyone would care what i did on the weekend. except my mum. hi mum.
plus, i figure that rather than spend time writing about my antics, i should just embrace them. stop writing about it and do it. live without the analysis. oh, to live without the analysis!
so that's what i am going to do.
i guess what all that means is that this is my last post.
and i am not sad about that. because this place has been awesome to me. so thanks. thanks thanks thanks. thanks for reading. thanks for following. thanks for commenting. thanks for your support. except for barry, everyone who has stopped by (and especially those who've stayed) has contributed to the experience in a positive way.
so, in conclusion...
yeh, not really sure how to wrap three years into one neat little goodbye. chances are i'll change my mind and be back in a few months anyway. but, if not, i'll miss you. not just you the reader but you, the blog.